blue

I am blue.

Nothing is terribly wrong. My roster of clients is full and I’ve got an apartment with a stunning view and the sweetest of little boys but I’m feeling the kind of existential angst that the holidays often delivers to me.

Part of it is definitely COVID. Despite being an introvert who savors her alone time, I am SO over all of this anti-social BS. Last holiday season, we took a trip to Cabo and this holiday, I thought we would be on a cruise. Instead we are indoors or out as I try to keep my curious, active almost-two-year-old entertained.

I know: first-world problems. But it’s more than that and whatever it is, is not ready to be revealed yet.

Like some of my clients I coached this past week, I’m noticing my thoughts drifting to form a plan: an escape plan. Not ideal.

Escape plans make you feel like you’re spontaneous, like you’re responding to some kind of miraculous divine intervention and they’re fun because they create instant momentum. They temporarily throw your life into chaos—you tell yourself it’s the good kind—which means you’re distracted from what the real problem is.

You’re disconnected from your vision, or you’re not entirely clear on what that vision, what the next “big” thing, is. Or worse, the vision you do have is asking more growth of you than you’re willing to give.

Escape plans feel sexy but remember, you’re still in the starring role, which means that eventually the feelings and thoughts—aka the inside work you haven’t done—is going to bubble up and land you right back in prison, next to a hole that is slightly deeper than the one you dug before.

Pause.

As much as I don’t love that in this moment, is required. This pause in your regularly scheduled life is here so that you can think about what comes next, carefully. It’s here so you can ask for help if you need it. It’s here so you can recalibrate, tweak, assess and most importantly let go.

Let go of the ideas, people, feelings and stuff that no longer serves you. More than anything else, vision requires space to be received.

What about you? How are you feeling this COVID holiday?